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as
told of it by some very respectable families now in London, who saw
him in St. Kitts, in the same state in which he remained till kind
death released him out of the hands of his tyrants. During this
disagreeable business I was under strong convictions of sin, and
thought that my state was worse than any man's; my mind was
unaccountably disturbed; I often wished for death, though at the same
time convinced I was altogether unprepared for that awful summons.
Suffering much by villains in the late cause, and being much concerned
about the state of my soul, these things (but particularly the latter)
brought me very low; so that I became a burden to myself, and viewed
all things around me as emptiness and vanity, which could give no
satisfaction to a troubled conscience. I was again determined to go to
Turkey, and resolved, at that time, never more to return to England. I
engaged as steward on board a Turkeyman (the Wester Hall, Capt.
Linna); but was prevented by means of my late captain, Mr. Hughes, and
others. All this appeared to be against me, and the only comfort I
then experienced was, in reading the holy scriptures, where I saw that
'there is no new thing under the sun,' Eccles. i. 9; and what was
appointed for me I must submit to. Thus I continued to travel in much
heaviness, and frequently murmured against the Almighty, particularly
in his providential dealings; and, awful to think! I began to
blaspheme, and wished often to be any thing but a human being. In
these severe conflicts the Lord answered me by awful 'visions of the
night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed,'
Job xxxiii. 15. He was pleased, in much mercy, to give me to see, and
in some measure to understand, the great and awful scene of the
judgment-day, that 'no unclean person, no unholy thing, can enter into
the kingdom of God,' Eph. v. 5. I would then, if it had been possible,
have changed my nature with the meanest worm on the earth; and was
ready to say to the mountains and rocks 'fall on me,' Rev. vi. 16; but
all in vain. I then requested the divine Creator that he would grant
me a small space of time to repent of my follies and vile iniquities,
which I felt were grievous. The Lord, in his manifold mercies, was
pleased to grant my request, and being yet in a state of time, the
sense of God's mercies was so great on my mind when I awoke, that my
strength entirely failed me for many minutes, and I was exceedingly
weak. This was the first spiritual mercy I ever was sensible of, and
being on praying ground, as soon as I recovered a little strength, and
got out of bed and dressed myself, I invoked Heaven from my inmost
soul, and fervently begged that God would never again permit me to
blaspheme his most holy name. The Lord, who is long-suffering, and
full of compassion to such poor rebels as we are, condescended to hear
and answer. I felt that I was altogether unholy, and saw clearly what
a bad use I had made of the faculties I was endowed with; they were
given me to glorify God with; I thought, therefore, I had better want
them here, and enter into life eternal, than abuse them and be cast
into hell fire. I prayed to be directed, if there were any holier than
those with whom I was acquainted, that the Lord would point them out
to me. I appealed to the Searcher of hearts, whether I did not wish to
love him more, and serve him better. Notwithstanding all this, the
reader may easily discern, if he is a believer, that I was still in
nature's darkness. At length I hated the house in which I lodged,
because God's most holy name was blasphemed in it; then I saw the word
of God verified, viz. 'Before they call, I will answer; and while they
are yet speaking, I will hear.'

I had a great desire to read the bible the whole day at home; but not
having a convenient place for retirement, I left the house in the day,
rather than stay amongst the wicked ones; and that day as I was
walking, it pleased God to direct me to a house where there was an old
sea-faring man, who experienced much of the love of God shed abroad in
his heart. He began to discourse with me; and, as I desired to love
the Lord, his conversation rejoiced me greatly; and indeed I had never
heard before the love of Christ to believers set forth in such a
manner, and in so clear a point of view. Here I had more questions to
put to the man than his time would permit him to answer; and in that
memorable hour there came in a dissenting minister; he joined our
discourse, and asked me some few questions; among others, where I
heard the gospel preached. I knew not what he meant by hearing the
gospel; I told him I had read the gospel: and he asked where I went to
church, or whether I went at all or not. To which I replied, 'I
attended St. James's, St. Martin's, and St. Ann's, Soho;'--'So,' said
he, 'you are a churchman.' I answered, I was. He then invited me to a
love-feast at his chapel that evening. I accepted the offer, and
thanked him; and soon after he went away, I had some further discourse
with the old Christian, added to some profitable reading, which made
me exceedingly happy. When I left him he reminded me of coming to the
feast; I assured him I would be there. Thus we parted, and I weighed
over the heavenly conversation that had passed between these two men,
which cheered my then heavy and drooping spirit more than any thing I
had met with for many months. However, I thought the time long in
going to my supposed banquet. I also wished much for the company of
these friendly men; their company pleased me much; and I thought the
gentlemen very kind, in asking me, a stranger, to a feast; but how
singular did it appear to me, to have it in a chapel! When the
wished-for hour came I went, and happily the old man was there, who
kindly seated me, as he belonged to the place. I was much astonished
to see the place filled with people, and no signs of eating and
drinking. There were many ministers in the company. At last they began
by giving out hymns, and between the singing the minister engaged in
prayer; in short, I knew not what to make of this sight, having never
seen any thing of the kind in my life before now. Some of the guests
began to speak their experience, agreeable to what I read in the
Scriptures; much was said by every speaker of the providence of God,
and his unspeakable mercies, to each of them. This I knew in a great
measure, and could most heartily join them. But when they spoke of a
future state, they seemed to be altogether certain of their calling
and election of God; and that no one could ever separate them from the
love of Christ, or pluck them out of his hands. This filled me with
utter consternation, intermingled with admiration. I was so amazed as
not to know what to think of the company; my heart was attracted and
my affections were enlarged. I wished to be as happy as them, and was
persuaded in my mind that they were different from the world 'that
lieth in wickedness,' 1 John v. 19. Their language and 

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