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h many fears, about
my soul; and when it was ended, he gave it out that he intended, the
ensuing week, to examine all those who meant to attend the Lord's
table. Now I thought much of my good works, and at the same time was
doubtful of my being a proper object to receive the sacrament; I was
full of meditation till the day of examining. However, I went to the
chapel, and, though much distressed, I addressed the reverend
gentleman, thinking, if I was not right, he would endeavour to
convince me of it. When I conversed with him, the first thing he asked
me was, what I knew of Christ? I told him I believed in him, and had
been baptized in his name. 'Then,' said he, 'when were you brought to
the knowledge of God? and how were you convinced of sin?' I knew not
what he meant by these questions; I told him I kept eight commandments
out of ten; but that I sometimes swore on board ship, and sometimes
when on shore, and broke the sabbath. He then asked me if I could
read? I answered, 'Yes.'--'Then,' said he, 'do you not read in the
bible, he that offends in one point is guilty of all?' I said, 'Yes.'
Then he assured me, that one sin unatoned for was as sufficient to
damn a soul as one leak was to sink a ship. Here I was struck with
awe; for the minister exhorted me much, and reminded me of the
shortness of time, and the length of eternity, and that no
unregenerate soul, or any thing unclean, could enter the kingdom of
Heaven. He did not admit me as a communicant; but recommended me to
read the scriptures, and hear the word preached, not to neglect
fervent prayer to God, who has promised to hear the supplications of
those who seek him in godly sincerity; so I took my leave of him, with
many thanks, and resolved to follow his advice, so far as the Lord
would condescend to enable me. During this time I was out of employ,
nor was I likely to get a situation suitable for me, which obliged me
to go once more to sea. I engaged as steward of a ship called the
Hope, Capt. Richard Strange, bound from London to Cadiz in Spain. In a
short time after I was on board I heard the name of God much
blasphemed, and I feared greatly, lest I should catch the horrible
infection. I thought if I sinned again, after having life and death
set evidently before me, I should certainly go to hell. My mind was
uncommonly chagrined, and I murmured much at God's providential
dealings with me, and was discontented with the commandments, that I
could not be saved by what I had done; I hated all things, and wished
I had never been born; confusion seized me, and I wished to be
annihilated. One day I was standing on the very edge of the stern of
the ship, thinking to drown myself; but this scripture was instantly
impressed on my mind--'that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in
him,' 1 John iii. 15. Then I paused, and thought myself the unhappiest
man living. Again I was convinced that the Lord was better to me than
I deserved, and I was better off in the world than many. After this I
began to fear death; I fretted, mourned, and prayed, till I became a
burden to others, but more so to myself. At length I concluded to beg
my bread on shore rather than go again to sea amongst a people who
feared not God, and I entreated the captain three different times to
discharge me; he would not, but each time gave me greater and greater
encouragement to continue with him, and all on board shewed me very
great civility: notwithstanding all this I was unwilling to embark
again. At last some of my religious friends advised me, by saying it
was my lawful calling, consequently it was my duty to obey, and that
God was not confined to place, &c. &c. particularly Mr. G.S. the
governor of Tothil-fields Bridewell, who pitied my case, and read the
eleventh chapter of the Hebrews to me, with exhortations. He prayed
for me, and I believed that he prevailed on my behalf, as my burden
was then greatly removed, and I found a heartfelt resignation to the
will of God. The good man gave me a pocket Bible and Allen's Alarm to
the unconverted. We parted, and the next day I went on board again. We
sailed for Spain, and I found favour with the captain. It was the
fourth of the month of September when we sailed from London; we had a
delightful voyage to Cadiz, where we arrived the twenty-third of the
same month. The place is strong, commands a fine prospect, and is very
rich. The Spanish galloons frequent that port, and some arrived whilst
we were there. I had many opportunities of reading the scriptures. I
wrestled hard with God in fervent prayer, who had declared in his word
that he would hear the groanings and deep sighs of the poor in spirit.
I found this verified to my utter astonishment and comfort in the
following manner:

On the morning of the 6th of October, (I pray you to attend) or all
that day, I thought that I should either see or hear something
supernatural. I had a secret impulse on my mind of something that was
to take place, which drove me continually for that time to a throne of
grace. It pleased God to enable me to wrestle with him, as Jacob did:
I prayed that if sudden death were to happen, and I perished, it might
be at Christ's feet.

In the evening of the same day, as I was reading and meditating on the
fourth chapter of the Acts, twelfth verse, under the solemn
apprehensions of eternity, and reflecting on my past actions, I began
to think I had lived a moral life, and that I had a proper ground to
believe I had an interest in the divine favour; but still meditating
on the subject, not knowing whether salvation was to be had partly for
our own good deeds, or solely as the sovereign gift of God; in this
deep consternation the Lord was pleased to break in upon my soul with
his bright beams of heavenly light; and in an instant as it were,
removing the veil, and letting light into a dark place, I saw clearly
with the eye of faith the crucified Saviour bleeding on the cross on
mount Calvary: the scriptures became an unsealed book, I saw myself a
condemned criminal under the law, which came with its full force to my
conscience, and when 'the commandment came sin revived, and I died,' I
saw the Lord Jesus Christ in his humiliation, loaded and bearing my
reproach, sin, and shame. I then clearly perceived that by the deeds
of the law no flesh living could be justified. I was then convinced
that by the first Adam sin came, and by the second Adam (the Lord
Jesus Christ) all that are saved must be made alive. It was given me
at that time to know what it was to be born again, John iii. 5. I saw
the eighth chapter to the Romans, and the doctrines of God's decrees,
verified agreeable to his eternal, everlasting, and unchangeable
purposes. The word of God was sweet to my taste, yea sweeter than
honey and the honeycomb. Christ was revealed to my soul as the
chiefest among ten thousand. These heavenly moments were really as
life to the dead, and what John calls an earnest of the Spirit[V].
This was indeed unspeakable, and I firmly believe unden

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