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Now every leading providential circumstance that happened to me, from
the day I was taken from my parents to that hour, was then in my view,
as if it had but just then occurred. I was sensible of the invisible
hand of God, which guided and protected me when in truth I knew it
not: still the Lord pursued me although I slighted and disregarded it;
this mercy melted me down. When I considered my poor wretched state I
wept, seeing what a great debtor I was to sovereign free grace. Now
the Ethiopian was willing to be saved by Jesus Christ, the sinner's
only surety, and also to rely on none other person or thing for
salvation. Self was obnoxious, and good works he had none, for it is
God that worketh in us both to will and to do. The amazing things of
that hour can never be told--it was joy in the Holy Ghost! I felt an
astonishing change; the burden of sin, the gaping jaws of hell, and
the fears of death, that weighed me down before, now lost their
horror; indeed I thought death would now be the best earthly friend I
ever had. Such were my grief and joy as I believe are seldom
experienced. I was bathed in tears, and said, What am I that God
should thus look on me the vilest of sinners? I felt a deep concern
for my mother and friends, which occasioned me to pray with fresh
ardour; and, in the abyss of thought, I viewed the unconverted people
of the world in a very awful state, being without God and without
hope.
It pleased God to pour out on me the Spirit of prayer and the grace of
supplication, so that in loud acclamations I was enabled to praise and
glorify his most holy name. When I got out of the cabin, and told some
of the people what the Lord had done for me, alas, who could
understand me or believe my report!--None but to whom the arm of the
Lord was revealed. I became a barbarian to them in talking of the love
of Christ: his name was to me as ointment poured forth; indeed it was
sweet to my soul, but to them a rock of offence. I thought my case
singular, and every hour a day until I came to London, for I much
longed to be with some to whom I could tell of the wonders of God's
love towards me, and join in prayer to him whom my soul loved and
thirsted after. I had uncommon commotions within, such as few can tell
aught about. Now the bible was my only companion and comfort; I prized
it much, with many thanks to God that I could read it for myself, and
was not left to be tossed about or led by man's devices and notions.
The worth of a soul cannot be told.--May the Lord give the reader an
understanding in this. Whenever I looked in the bible I saw things
new, and many texts were immediately applied to me with great comfort,
for I knew that to me was the word of salvation sent. Sure I was that
the Spirit which indited the word opened my heart to receive the truth
of it as it is in Jesus--that the same Spirit enabled me to act faith
upon the promises that were so precious to me, and enabled me to
believe to the salvation of my soul. By free grace I was persuaded
that I had a part in the first resurrection, and was 'enlightened with
the light of the living,' Job xxxiii. 30. I wished for a man of God
with whom I might converse: my soul was like the chariots of Aminidab,
Canticles vi. 12. These, among others, were the precious promises that
were so powerfully applied to me: 'All things whatsoever ye shall ask
in prayer, believing, ye shall receive,' Mat. xxi. 22. 'Peace I leave
with you, my peace I give unto you,' John xiv. 27. I saw the blessed
Redeemer to be the fountain of life, and the well of salvation. I
experienced him all in all; he had brought me by a way that I knew
not, and he had made crooked paths straight. Then in his name I set up
my Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto he hath helped me: and could say to the
sinners about me, Behold what a Saviour I have! Thus I was, by the
teaching of that all-glorious Deity, the great One in Three, and Three
in One, confirmed in the truths of the bible, those oracles of
everlasting truth, on which every soul living must stand or fall
eternally, agreeable to Acts iv. 12. 'Neither is there salvation in
any other, for there is none other name under heaven given among men
whereby we must be saved, but only Christ Jesus.' May God give the
reader a right understanding in these facts! To him that believeth all
things are possible, but to them that are unbelieving nothing is pure,
Titus i. 15. During this period we remained at Cadiz until our ship
got laden. We sailed about the fourth of November; and, having a good
passage, we arrived in London the month following, to my comfort, with
heartfelt gratitude to God for his rich and unspeakable mercies. On my
return I had but one text which puzzled me, or that the devil
endeavoured to buffet me with, viz. Rom. xi. 6. and, as I had heard of
the Reverend Mr. Romaine, and his great knowledge in the scriptures, I
wished much to hear him preach. One day I went to Blackfriars church,
and, to my great satisfaction and surprise, he preached from that very
text. He very clearly shewed the difference between human works and
free election, which is according to God's sovereign will and
pleasure. These glad tidings set me entirely at liberty, and I went
out of the church rejoicing, seeing my spots were those of God's
children. I went to Westminster Chapel, and saw some of my old
friends, who were glad when they perceived the wonderful change that
the Lord had wrought in me, particularly Mr. G---- S----, my worthy
acquaintance, who was a man of a choice spirit, and had great zeal for
the Lord's service. I enjoyed his correspondence till he died in the
year 1784. I was again examined at that same chapel, and was received
into church fellowship amongst them: I rejoiced in spirit, making
melody in my heart to the God of all my mercies. Now my whole wish was
to be dissolved, and to be with Christ--but, alas! I must wait mine
appointed time.
* * * * *
MISCELLANEOUS VERSES,
or
Reflections on the State of my mind during my first
Convictions; of the Necessity of believing the Truth, and
experiencing the inestimable Benefits of Christianity.
Well may I say my life has been
One scene of sorrow and of pain;
From early days I griefs have known,
And as I grew my griefs have grown:
Dangers were always in my path;
And fear of wrath, and sometimes death;
While pale dejection in me reign'd
I often wept, by grief constrain'd.
When taken from my native land,
By an unjust and cruel band,
How did uncommon dread prevail!
My sighs no more I could conceal.
'To ease my mind I often strove,
And tried my trouble to remove:
I sung, and utter'd sighs between--
Assay'd to stifle guilt with sin.
'But O! not all that I could do
Would stop the current of my woe;
Conviction still my vileness shew'd;
How great my guilt--how lost from God!
'Prevented, that I could not die,
Nor might to one kind refuge fly;
An orphan state I had to mourn,--
Forsook by all, and left forlorn.'
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